I Go To Sleep at Night

I go to sleep at night,

I still don’t know how to face myself,

This mess of a body,

Hoping I won’t live to see the morning.

I go to sleep at night,

I take all the pills I want,

I drink until the bottle slips my hand,

Hoping I won’t live to see the morning.

I go to sleep at night,

With chest pains,

A migraine,

And a broken heart,

Hoping I won’t live to see the morning.

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Awe

I looked up at the sky this morning. I drive out just as the sun comes up, lighting up the buttery bottoms of clouds. I was awed. Awe is such a rare feeling, one that should be held onto and treasured. Awe and wonder shed years off the soul, my youthful sparkling eyes look up to the sky, breathless. When I saw you for the first time, you didn’t smile. I could only be disappointed. I was in awe as I got to see you lift your lips and laugh for the first time. My awe and wonder as it shed years off of your soul, our youthful sparkling eyes look at each other, even to our last elderly breath.

The Heartbeat

Heartbeat. The heart beats and beats and beats itself up, every moment of life. Beating itself up until it cannot beat one beat more. With motivation it beats faster and faster with vigor, chanting and howling, only to collapse and beat weakly when its energy is spent. Softly it beats in our sleep. So quiet and lonely, it quietly continues to beat itself. Softly it beats when we wake, always so quiet and lonely. Beating itself up when we are sad, beating itself when we are joyful, that loud red organ. With each beat it brings us life, yet it beats itself because it wishes to die.

Anxiety

Exploding out, atom by atom breaking away. In that moment, I cease to exist physically. A dark numbness and tingling, keeping me from moving. Its like my body turns to static waves. Screaming in silence. Sorrow, but not sorrow. Sadness with anxiety, tears with agitation. Scratching, scratching, scratching. The sound of static, coming closer, getting louder. Not eating. Picking at my food. Focusing on breathing. Each breath harder, more forced. Sucking in the air, your throat closing up like a straw. Fighting to keep the static away. All concentration aimed at continuing the function of feeble lungs. The heart running with adrenaline. The static moving. Moving to the face, moving to the chest. Taking control and stopping all feeling, all capability of movement, freezing, stopping. Everything shutting down. Shutting down. Shutting. Down.

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