Today

In classes, when my mind wanders, it always goes to the same tangent:

What if someone came in right now and shot me in the head?  

It would be easy. In each of my classes I sit in the front corner farthest from the door. A clean shot. An easy enter, and an easy escape.

But sometimes I don't think about that; its a good day when I don’t. 

Today was different, I was having a good day, and I thought about it. I thought how I wouldn’t mind if it happened, because I’d die when I was in a rare good mood.

That was today.

I’m stressed, I needed you. I needed something to hold on to and nurture. I needed to lay your head on my chest and pet your hair. 

I needed you, but I didn't tell you, because I felt guilty. It was 3 am. I hadn't gotten sleep. I tried pills. I tried wine. Nothing. I was in agony. 

I had myself half convinced I should leave you for your own good. All I’m good for is destroying things; all I touch withers. Nothing thrives. NOTHING. I’m toxic. 

I hung up when you tried to call me. I knew you had just woken up and seen the messages I had sent you. I was crying. You knew something was deeply wrong.

You know what these ear worms do to me when I get one. They burrow deep and feed off of me, and I can't get rid of them. I can’t get rid of the voices.

Paranoia. That little piece of that song echoing through my head. 

That was today too.